God in a Bottle

Tuesday I woke to an anxiety attack. Perfect! My attacks seem to have an A or B to them. A: I really need some hand holding (literally), while the ugly runs through my head and goes away. Or at lest subsides. As much as I know I need that, I am always afraid to ask. The first thing I think is oye! not again, I do not want to ask someone to dill with my drama. And I do not want to cause unneeded to stress for other people. SO, I want A and am scared to ask. Brilliant! So I usually opt for my plan B. I run. Running for me usually involves giving in somewhat to the noise in my head. My head, I have found, should not be unsupervised most of the time. It has lead me to many stupid things for as long as I can remember. Which I can always point out when having my meltdowns and make them worse.
Tuesday I ran. I took a bundle of wood up the canyons and decided I would go for a walk in the snow to think. Then I would build a fire and write or read.
The canyon was very quiet. No people a bit of snow covering the golden fall leaves and the sound of the river running down to the valley below. It was so calm, and I was not. I built my fire.
I cried for awhile, wanted some advise and solace and found neither. I really just wanted a hug, and to talk. But how do you do that when you are trying your best to pretend you are alright?
I know what is causing most of the problem. ME. I know what a shock! I am so unable to find me that I am falling farther down the rabbit hole until I my never get out
So here is the deal.

1. I don't know/like who I am. My solution is to drink. which for the most part I have been pretty well at hiding again

2. I don't know God or what my relationship is with him. This makes me anxious, and I take lots of medication trying to deal with that anxiety. Or I drink.

3. I am scared of what I might find if I start looking. Once again my solution is to drink or take my pills(sometimes I do both)

Even writing this and thinking about it is making me want a drink to just make it all go away for awhile. I am afraid of what I will find. But I do know If God is not in my bottle.Maybe I shouldn't be