Happy Fathers Day Dad

Today is the day to honor the fathers in our lives. I know some wonderful Father/Husbands out there and to you HAPPY FATHERS DAY! My Father is not here anymore to celebrate with. He died on March 14,2008. I still miss him very much so on this fathers day I am thinking of him. I am also thinking of my children, two of whom loved him very much and one who never got the chance to meet him.
When I think of him I am often very sad for them. My oldest son  never got to have his grandpa see him be a lead in his high school play, or watch him walk on graduation day. They were going to go to the Oprah together the year he died. They shared a love for music and theater. He missed him very much on those occasions. My daughter was grandpa's favorite. He took care of her when she was little and I had to work. He taught her to read. My dad was a volunteer at this is the place state park and she would go with him. She would always tell me when grandpa made her a tuna sandwiched. And they would go for walks together. She loved her grandpa very much. She also had the opportunity to go to her high school graduation this year. In memory of her beloved grandfather she wore a dog tag with a picture of the two of them together. On the back was written "grandpas favorite angel". That is what dad always called his grand kids. They were his little angels, and they all knew it.
Since his death I have given birth to another baby boy. It makes me sad for him to know that he will never get to go camping with grandpa, or listen to him tell "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" while sitting on his lap. I very good Friend of mine who was there at my side for his birth told me that she felt my father would be delivering this baby to me that day. I would like to think that that is true. I hope my father met and held my beautiful baby boy. I think he would like him very much. And it makes me sad to know what he is missing without his grandpa here.
I love my dad, and I miss not having him in my or my children's lives.

Here are some fun facts about my dad.
he was the youngest of two children (that lived to adulthood) both boys.
my dad is one of the best story tellers EVER! we would sit on his lap and listen to all kind of stories, but the favorite and most commonly told was The Three Billy Goat Gruffs.
Every year we would pack up the van and go on vacation to a national park of historic site. I have traveled to 49 states with my father. all of them in a car.(OK Alaska was a cruse. but we drove to Vancouver to catch the boat)
He had a great sense of humor and was always kind to people.
He spoke 3 different languages, usually all at the same time and when giving you directions when driving on vacation.
He loved his children and grandchildren very much.
Every anniversary and on valentines day my mom always got flowers.
My dad loved roller coasters. The year before his death we went to Virginia Beach and bush gardens. My dad road all the coasters with his grand kids
He would always tell us that japan surrendered during WWII because that is the date he received his draft notice and they didn't want him coming over there.
If you knew my dad, you loved my dad. If you never got the opportunity to meet him, you truly did miss out.

Side Walk Chalk

Do you remember side walk chalk?
All the colors. Fun lazy summer days when you and your family or friends would draw all over your driveways. No skill was really needed, it was just a fun mess! We would make flowers, harts with arrows going through them and hopscotch pads to play on.
As my children grow I would go out with them and draw. We would do Easter eggs and baskets, try our best to make bunnies and the usual flowers and hearts. No matter what they made it was a beautiful masterpiece. One of the first places my kids learned to start writing there names was on the side walk. And I have always loved seeing the neighbors kids creativity with their chalk.
Yesterday a friend of mine aloud me the opportunity to stay with her kids for about an hour. They are all beautiful and fun to be around. and they had something I needed. Side walk chalk.
I am struggling lately and Life for me is unappealing. But in all the gloom They gave me one whole hour of joy, friendship, love and
Side Walk Chalk!

I don't want to be here

I am here. I don't want to be. Is that a bad thing? I don't think it is. Is it bad that I am saying it out loud, instead of just leaving it alone and pretending that everything is fine? That is what most people think I am sure. But I have been fighting this for weeks now and it seems to only be getting worse. Each night when I get in bed, I hope to not wake up. I am angry when morning comes and I cry. I was hoping to have never come out of the surgery I had two weeks ago, obviously that went wrong also. I am not looking forward to a future. Do I make plans for the month ahead? Yes. I just don't care if I get there.

I'm not writing this to complain about my life and how horrible it is. In fact my life is better then many peoples. I also don't want anyones pitty. I just don't want to live anymore. I am tired and I am done. I was showering the other day and started to cry because the thought came into my head that I just wanted to go home......... I don't know were home is for me. I was scared and lost and comming to the end seems right.

I think the worst part is the fighting the physical and mental pain that is constant. Even if I am doing something I enjoy I feel out of place and will start to panic. I don't understand any of it. So why can someone who can look at their life and say, for the most part it is good, want it so badly to be over?

I have seen my doctor (not at all an easy thing for me) and have new medications I am taking. I have been told I should feel better in about a week to ten days. I don't know that I have that much fight left in me. Not to mention that I have several people in my life that think I should just be able to snap out of it. That makes it more difficult to look for or get help. If you have a loved one where I am don't judge, you are not helping.

I did not write this post for any reason other then to get it out of my head and into the open. I am fighting to not take my life, but at the same time am hoping for an end soon. I use to wonder how people could feel so hopeless. Now I just wonder how the hell to make it stop. And wish the end would come soon