I don't want to be here

I am here. I don't want to be. Is that a bad thing? I don't think it is. Is it bad that I am saying it out loud, instead of just leaving it alone and pretending that everything is fine? That is what most people think I am sure. But I have been fighting this for weeks now and it seems to only be getting worse. Each night when I get in bed, I hope to not wake up. I am angry when morning comes and I cry. I was hoping to have never come out of the surgery I had two weeks ago, obviously that went wrong also. I am not looking forward to a future. Do I make plans for the month ahead? Yes. I just don't care if I get there.

I'm not writing this to complain about my life and how horrible it is. In fact my life is better then many peoples. I also don't want anyones pitty. I just don't want to live anymore. I am tired and I am done. I was showering the other day and started to cry because the thought came into my head that I just wanted to go home......... I don't know were home is for me. I was scared and lost and comming to the end seems right.

I think the worst part is the fighting the physical and mental pain that is constant. Even if I am doing something I enjoy I feel out of place and will start to panic. I don't understand any of it. So why can someone who can look at their life and say, for the most part it is good, want it so badly to be over?

I have seen my doctor (not at all an easy thing for me) and have new medications I am taking. I have been told I should feel better in about a week to ten days. I don't know that I have that much fight left in me. Not to mention that I have several people in my life that think I should just be able to snap out of it. That makes it more difficult to look for or get help. If you have a loved one where I am don't judge, you are not helping.

I did not write this post for any reason other then to get it out of my head and into the open. I am fighting to not take my life, but at the same time am hoping for an end soon. I use to wonder how people could feel so hopeless. Now I just wonder how the hell to make it stop. And wish the end would come soon